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Another Day in the Life

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14th May 2007

12:40pm: really?
as many times as i have heard people use the word "love" lately and so loosely i am beginning to wonder what true meaning the word has anymore. i suppose some people confuse it as the act of wanting or desiring something rather than a true emotion.

it's crazy..i'm getting married in 39 days and am questioning love...

some things are just better left unsaid and unknown...i was happier before i knew...

"i love it when you're here, but i'm better when you're gone..."
Current Mood: confused

20th March 2007

9:26am: Last night I was plagued with not being able to sleep...so I was up until 11:30...which doesn't seem too late to most but it is when you are normally in bed and asleep by 9:30. I found myself on the computer reading old things...it's amazing to look back and see things that happened years ago. At the time that these things were happening I had a totally different view than the one I took while reading them last night. Perhaps it's a part of growing up. We've both moved onward and upward with our lives and are much better having been able to get passed it and move on, but still was kind of saddening to me that perhaps I could have been a person that hurt someone else so much. It's hard to think that I loved someone so much in the past and they are no longer a part of my life at all, mostly because we hurt each other and partly because it's better this way. I could go on and on about it all, but maybe it's just easier to say "I'm Sorry." No explanations or discussions, just a truly heart felt apology for the first time in 4 years.

As for other things...3 months till the wedding...things are winding down...coming together...and now I'm starting to worry... I just hope everything is the way I want it!! AND my bridal portraits are in two weeks!!! :O) This excites me greatly.

That is all...
Current Mood: sleepy

28th February 2007

12:34pm: music
It's amazing the amount of healing that can come from a couple of songs. Yesterday I heard a song on the radio and realized that I had the cd...so I put the cd in my car stereo and blasted these two songs. Listening to them and singing them at the top of my lungs actually made me smile. This paired with a wonderful conversation with my sister on Saturday night and a good talk with Linda last night and I feel great! Though this is only the begininng of my healing...it's a great start.

The First....
"Isn't That Everything"

"Isn't that everything
I don't need anything
It's only the simple things I believe
That matter most in life
I'm more than satisfied
All that I have is all I need
Isn't that everything"

The Second....(and I don't view this as a song to a boy...it's to someone else...)
"I Don't"

"You say I should stay with you
That Jesus forgives you
You pray I will, but I won't
The difference is
Jesus loves you, I don't

I know it sounds cruel
And it's really not like me, but
You've put me in a place
I never thought I'd be
These tears I'm crying
Are just tears of goodbye"

It's just a different feeling I felt this morning...maybe it's not the music...but either way it's a good step. :o)
Current Mood: chipper

15th February 2007

10:58am: valentine's
Valentine's Day was good!!! My last Valentine's Day as a "single" girl...it's crazy!

But aside from that something amazing happened yesterday...as I was sorting through my Valentine's from my 2nd graders I came across a handmade Valentine from one of my favorite little girls...as I was looking at this creative Valentine I looked inside at what she had wrote and I my heart was completly filled with joy when I read "I admire you a lot." This one line from this simple card made my entire day...and gave me a glimpse into the reason I do this job each day. It makes it all worth while...who else gets this kind of recognition from their job??

That is all.
Current Mood: accomplished

17th November 2006

4:22pm: Weird
You know it's a weird thing to find out that someone you liked for so long actually felt the exact same things you were feeling. It's even weirder to find this stuff out when you're engaged to someone else. My life didn't stop for it but it's just kinda weird! But other than that it was nice to sit down with him and have such a good time...it was actually quite awesome!
Current Mood: weird

25th September 2006

11:03am: Excited
I would just like to take this minute to brag. On Saturday September 23 at 12:15 I became an aunt (for the second time) to a beautiful baby girl named Hannah Rose. I am SO excited and truly happy for my sister and brother-in-law (hambro as i refer to him).

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Current Mood: chipper

19th September 2006

3:31pm: What do YOU make?
Perhaps by now many of you have heard this but it's always good to read again.

What do you make?

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"

He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach." To stress his point he said to another guest; you're a teacher, Susan. Be honest. What do you make?

Susan, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, you want to know what I make? I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I make a C+ feel like the winner of the Congressional Medal of Honor. I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall in absolute silence.

“You want to know what I make? I make kids wonder. I make them question. I make them criticize. I make them apologize and mean it. I make them write. I make them read, read, read. I make them show all their work in math and perfect their final drafts in English. I make them understand that if you have the brains, and follow your heart, and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make, you must pay no attention because they just didn't learn.”

Susan paused and then continued. You want to know what I make? "I make a difference." What do you make?
Current Mood: productive

14th September 2006

8:08am: silliness vent
So I just want to take this time to get some things off my chest (hehe). It's all real silliness but it will make me feel better once I voice it to someone...even if no one is reading this I will still feel better.

First of all, I would like to say that morning drivers are dumb...and they are even more dumb when it rains. Tell me why the far left lane (the passing lane) has to come to a complete stop because people in the lane next to them want to change lanes to get into the far right lane to get onto an exit. It really has begun to frustrate me that in the morning on 440 I cannot get to a speed over 45. Oh and then when it rains...we have to pretend like we know nothing of driving at all. I certainly would not deem myself as the world's best driver (far from it actually) but I mean all I'm asking for is a little common sense...but apparently that's rocket science.

Secondly, I have come to realize in the last couple days that things people wear really bother me. I'm not saying that I get mad about it or let it ruin my day nor do I ever say anything to anyone, but it is something that I think about all day. I can remember exactly what people are wearing and I think about it. This could be a serious problem kind of like an obsession...do you think that there is a meeting for this? All I'm asking for here is for people to match their clothing and not wear high waters.

Thirdly, and perhaps more seriously...It frustrates me when people offer their help because they feel they should and then are really no help at all. Or when people claim that they do something because they know that it's a notable thing but again they really do nothing at all. Especially when it comes to working with children. It bugs me when people claim that they "work" with children, when really all they do is just sit there and do nothing. Maybe it's because I'm a a teacher (I am not saying that makes me better than anyone or that I am "high and mighty" because I do it, but I spend everyday working with and thinking about the lives of children...it's my job and my passion and to see others who take the credit and not the time or the pride really gets to me. Especially when there are others around who are doing what they claim to do while they sit back and watch. Volunteer or not...you cannot take working with children lightly...if you do maybe you should volunteer somewhere else.

Thank you if you have actually taken the time to sit and read this mess. I just had to get those things off of me so I can go about my business and enjoy my day! :o)

Rascal Flatts on Saturday!!!! YAY!!! :o)
Current Mood: venting

11th September 2006

9:00am: What a day...
It seems quite chilling actually how vividly you can remember exactly where you were, who you were with, and what you were doing on this day five years ago. I am overcome with emotions for those that we lost that day and also in realizing how blessed we truly are in life and the people who surround us and to know that there are people we do not know who are defending us. Perhaps it hits even closer to home when I cried this morning about how happy I am that my brother is safely home from Iraq with his wife and daughter. This day might be just another day, but it seems like so much more...it's the day that changed our lives and will continue to change them.

My prayers are for everyone today...that everyone will make sure that everyone in your life knows that you love them...because if there are two things that this day teaches us it's that we are truly blessed and that you just never know.

"Faith, Hope, and Love are some good things He gave us, but the greatest is love"
Current Mood: hopeful

1st September 2006

3:48pm: So the first week of school has come to an end. The good news is that I'm not completely stressed...the bad news is I'm completely stressed...does that make sense??? Let's just say that I have two children who are on a kindergarten reading level and three who are on a first grade reading level and then i have one who could be in third grade right now without a problem. So in my second grade classroom I have 11 actual second graders. Which, it could be worse, I know that but those low kids are frustrating. How do they get through the system??? Other than that they aren't too bad but they are very talkative and don't take to that very well...and it's even harder because I can't use my card system in my classroom anymore because we were told that's negative. But it was only week one and I feel I did a good job and the kids really are not that bad...so we shall see how it all progresses.

Other than school I haven't really been dong much lately...been kinda caught up in being a teacher...and it's actually felt pretty good. And even though my Jeffrey will be out of town this weekend I am looking forward to a nice weekend of time to reflect on how blessed and in love I truly am.
Current Mood: satisfied

10th August 2006

1:42pm: El carro nuevo
this is a picture of my beautiful new car!!!!

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Current Mood: happy

30th July 2006

3:10am: YAY!!!

just thought i'd share!!!
Current Mood: ecstatic

5th June 2006

12:15pm: big mouth
You know...some people should just keep certain things to themselves. Why would he choose now to tell me he has feelings for me and wants to be with me? Why not a year and a half ago when it was appropriate? I just do not understand. Now I will say that he has said things of this nature before but never to this magnitude. It was all just very interesting to me and a bit too much I might add. All I kept thinking was "this can't really be happening." Oh but these words were really coming out of his mouth. And then he went on to ask me how things were going with my boyfriend.

But my response to all this was that all I have ever been to him is the girl who is around when there is nothing better to do and nothing else going on. That I was the one that he made look like an idiot in front of his friends because I am never around and then when he wants me to be I come around...which is so not true. I told him that I was never going to be anything that all the other girls are because I am not like them and that's just not who I am. I asked him if he expected that I was just going to sit around and wait for him while he finally decided that he wanted to be with me. I told him that I deserved more than the way he treats me sometimes. We have so much fun when we are together and I love being around him, but it's always been on his terms because he is always afraid that something better might come along. Not to mention I reminded him that any other time he told me anything close to this he disappears and I don't hear from him for awhile...so that he can pretend like it didn't happen. And usually when things like this are said he is drunk and I made sure to point that out as well...and what did he say to that..."I'll tell you all this when I'm sober...let's go to dinner this week...just tell me when and where."

I will say that he is very understanding of everything I said and his responses were everything that you would hope to hear if you told someone that. He said that his friends keep asking him why he has not started anything with me because it's obvious he likes me but all he can say is I don't know.

So now I have all this that I am thinking about but I am not really sure why. At this point, I am not confused about any of this because the answer to that is very clear...I have a wonderful boyfriend whom I love oh so very much! Anything that I am thinking or wondering about all this would have to be chalked up to the fact that this whole situation has just always been left unresolved..it's the wonderful world of not knowing...gotta love it.
Current Mood: indifferent

7th April 2006

7:02pm: i feel awful. i just told my kids that i was leaving to take a new job and its a horrible feeling. 18 children crying because i hurt their feelings....trying to convince them that this is a good thing. i just feel terrible!!
Current Mood: sad

27th March 2006

8:09pm: NEW JOB!!!
YAY!! I'll still be teaching 2nd grade but I finally got into Wake County! :o) This means that it won't take me 45 minutes to get to and from work and I won't be driving 70 miles in one day! I am SO excited! :o)

Current Mood: ecstatic

18th March 2006

7:16am: nothing
here we go again...dude this just sucks...

there's gotta be something more than this...i have to be worth more than this


I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

but luckily there was a friend whom i called crying late last night who didn't even hesitate...someone whom i haven't even seen for two months...thanks Tay you're awesome!
Current Mood: melancholy

26th February 2006

11:37am: there's so much to say but yet i dont know the words to say them...have you ever felt like that?

i feel like when it comes to my life, even though i think i do, i truly have no idea what I want.

maybe he's right...maybe i have this picture in my head of the way I think that things should be and when they dont go that way i get mad/upset. how do you stop doing that?

why is it that i feel 16 again?
Current Mood: sleepy

23rd January 2006

8:20am: broken heart
my heart is broken...my stomach is in knots...

everyone always leaves and i can never stop them...he wasn't supposed to leave

it's all my fault...i'm always upset about something and i always get mad at him...i don't know how to fix it, i've tried, but i don't know how to not let the little things bother me...

hanging out with others is hard sometimes, because we never do it...it's usually just him and I so when we are with others i get upset because it seems he would rather talk to them, but i know that's not the case...but i am so used to it just being him and I...how selfish am i?

i ruin everything, because i always find something wrong with everything...

when you feel that there isn't a soul out there who loves you, how are you supposed to love yourself? how do you learn to do that?
Current Mood: sad

1st January 2006

9:56pm: Happy new year! I hope that everyone had a great new year's eve and has a great year to come!
Current Mood: content

21st October 2005

5:17am: WORK
I am SO tired of hearing "I'm working late and I don't know when I am going to be home." I think I could scream!!! I guess I just think that there are more important things in life than working 10 and 11 hour days. I mean I understand that people have to work but is it necessary to make it the only thing that you do. I feel like there are all these different worlds in his life. There is work, and then there is friends, and then sports, and it seems that maybe I just fit in whenever there is time in his day. None of these worlds collide either..they are all separate. I try hard to understand how independent he is and I have my own life outside of us, but the problem comes in when our worlds do not ever meet. We are a separate factor all together (and let's not even get in to other thigns that do not happen EVER). This just isn't me. I don't want to be second especially not to wrok. I could handle being second to a best friend or family, but nt to work. I don't like that it seems that he doesn't care if he sees me or not. It's just another day for him. I tried this week to stay away and do lots of things with my friends and such just to see if it would bother him that I wasn't around all that much and it just ended up making me feel worse because he doesn't care. He just says "you need to spend time with your friends." And when I saw him and acted upset he doens't really show any concern...oh but that's right there was a hockey game and a football game on tv. So I half hug him and leave and do you think that he called me to ask me what was wrong. Ummm well that would be a big fat no. I just want him to miss me or something...I don't really know what I want. Maybe I want to be as important as his job. "i know his job takes a lot of him there's not much left for him to give, but I need more, he oughta know that by now...it's just too hard to hold on to what is never around..."

But I will say that last weekend I went out with some friends and I ran in to someone from high school. It completely dumbfounded me. It is completely amazing the things that you can think, remember, and feel when you run in to someone like that. Hopefully, I'll get to see that person again sometime soon it was really great to see a good old friend!!!
Current Mood: frustrated

30th September 2005

7:58am: So work has gotten the best of me lately! My bad moods are nothing more than a result of the stress I am faced with in this classroom of children, whom I sware, are out to make me miserable on purpose. I had myself a crying fest on Tuesday night and luckily had an old friend there to break my fall (thanks again bye the way). I just do not know if I will ever make it through this year with my sanity. Things just seem to be getting harder rather than easier and I thought that in year three of my teaching that things would be much easier. Perhaps this was in my dream world where I could have kept the same kids each and every year. But anyway, I have to keep praying for my strength hoping I will make it through.
Current Mood: working

2nd September 2005

9:15am: guys suck!
You know, guys never hesitate to say how complicated and moody girls are. I will have to say that I do not think that we are any worse than they are. As a matter of fact, I would have to say that there are some guys out there that are worse than we are!!

On a side note...my wittle sister is a senior!!! :o)
Current Mood: working

28th August 2005

8:01pm: What changed?
I don't know what's going on. All I know is I'm hurt, my stomach is in knots, and I have been crying all day. What is HE doing?? Just going about his life as though nothing has changed. Maybe not, maybe there is a chance that he has feelings too, but it sure doesn't seem that way. The worst part has to be living this close to him...knowing that he's home and not calling me. I don't know what happened.
Current Mood: sad

17th August 2005

8:20pm: Got back yesterday from a 4 day rendezvous with Jeffrey in Myrtle Beach. We had a GREAT time!! It was the first time that we had actually gone on a trip together alone. We went shopping, played miniature golf, went swimming, boogieboarding, and hot tubbing. The best part might have been the ocean front hotel room! Waking up to the ocean every morning was definitely a plus, but perhaps not as much as waking up to Jeffrey!! It was a good four days...

But of course now back to reality where I actually had to start my teacher workdays today...ugh definitely not fun! A four hour staff meeting is really no way to "kick off" a new year...not to mention I got like nothing done.

Another good note, Saturday is my birthday!!!
Current Mood: tired

8th August 2005

8:30pm: insight please...
why does it bother me???? i have a boyfriend whom i have been with for 7 months now so why does it bother me to hear that he has met someone??? we've been broken up for 2 and a half years and i've moved on so seriosuly why do i feel like this??? is it because i want him back or is it just the idea that i used to be that person??? i don't get it!!! i really want him to be happy and i know he wants the same for me, but why do i have these knots in my stomach when i think about him and someone else???

oh goodness...what is all this????
Current Mood: confused
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